*When one drink after work becomes “let me pose with your fake baby”*

A lot of times when I am driving home from work my eyelids are just so heavy. I have a to-do list to accomplish when I get home. I have events that I RSVP’d to that I said I would go to. I know my partner Trevor is going to be disappointed with me if instead of quality time spent I just shut down and sleep on the couch.

At my last running club event I had just the best time. I voiced how I really did not want to come and how hard it was to make it down the hill. After I talked to the group about how much I dreaded going to the grocery store, but that it was the right thing for me to do. I felt so heard and so seen, everyone echoed how I felt and I felt not alone. Everyone struggles with doing what is right. I didn’t feel like the garbage self-sabotaging person I feel am. I did not feel like I was my own worst enemy. With this renewed confidence I went home and I signed up for all the remaining running club meeting dates and was determined to go.

But then yesterday after work when I was driving home I was having the hardest time staying awake. I already had made fake excuses in my mind for not going to the running club that I had signed up in a moment of positivity. I could see the messages coming in from other women saying that they were going to come and I was thinking no one was going to notice if I went or not. I definitely wanted to go. I knew if I decided to go for a run I would be moving towards my goals of self-care and confidence. All I could think about though was how I just wanted to go to sleep on the couch and curl up with my dogs. The hardest part of any running workout is always just showing up. I know that. So why am I willing to just lay on the couch and be complacent with the consequences of my actions?

I think we have all just gotten to used to dealing with it. Dealing with ‘okay, I am not as healthy as I wish I looked’. ‘I am okay with the fact that I have not saved enough.’ ‘I am okay with the mess on the floor of my room.’ The real issue is that we are all okay with the consequences. There shouldn’t be any judgement when I am self sabotaging. When I am judging myself, at first I am so angry at myself. I focus on the fact that people are disappointed on me. Past Anna, I actually low key hate. And I deserve the consequences of my actions, so I just deal with everything that happens because I deserve it. I deserve it all because I am a garbage self-sabotaging person.

I am complacent with what happens after the anger passes because the next natural feeling is acceptance. I am accepting that I didn’t get the job I wanted because I didn’t fill out an application. I am accepting I am not going for a run and so I am not going to be as healthy as I want to be. My friend invited me to have a drink after work? OK, I can accept that I am not actually going to go home and run or prepare for the next day. Then obvious self-sabotage behavior happens, one drink becomes four, and let’s get some fried food that will make me feel good in the moment, but then the rest of the night and the next day I will just feel absolutely horrible.

Why do I keep doing this? What am I getting from this instant gratification?

Want to lay down and not go for a run?
- Am I tired?
- Is it too late?
- Did I have a really hard day?
Want to snack?
- Do I not have a plan for dinner?
- Am I hungry?
- Am I just thirsty?
Window shopping? Imaginary online shopping cart?
- Am I bored?
- Do I feel sad?
- Do I need to be working on a hobby?

What is the equivalent of just turning on the treadmill and starting a peloton workout? That’s what started me moving towards getting into running again and away from the never ending cycle of self sabotage in my running journey. It is begrudging moving forward with the one small step I took for future Anna. Not being complacent with the aftermath of my own self hatred. That is something I can do immediately. When my eyelids feel heavy and I just don’t feel like doing anything but getting the endless instant dopamine hits of scrolling on the phone. I just need a little bit of courage and a little bit of motivation to help future Anna. We are all always willing to help others when it is hard, but when it is for yourself, we make excuses. I need to think of why do I want to do this. We all have to start asking ourselves before we do this self-sabotaging behavior. Why do I want to do this?

I know what is good for me and what makes me happy. Exercise makes me happy. Having a safe amount of savings and healthy finances makes me happy. Helping others makes me happy. Spending time with my family, partner, and dogs makes me happy. Having a clean home and healthy meal made makes me happy. The instant gratification doesn’t even really last for a long time, so I know that I can overcome that discomfort so that I can feel happy and proud of myself. I don’t need to control everything and I don’t need perfection. So I just have to be clear in what I want.

Not all self-sabotage is all obvious either. You make a plan okay, I am going to go for a run after work. But then you hang out and catch up with friends. You are making a move towards self-care aren’t you? This is good. But then you stop prioritizing yourself. Yes I needed to decompress, we all do. But this was just too excessive. I check my bank account and I have spent a lot more than I intended. But all I really needed was companionship and a way to decompress. I know that. I can find that with something else, something that won’t leave me feeling that way. I mean I know what I need to do to stop. But how?

1. Mindfulness

Focus on the present moment
Notice your feelings and your thoughts without judgement
Self-Awareness: Why do you want to do this?

2. Positive Affirmations

I really believe if you surround yourself in positivity, good things will happen.
“You can do this.”
What is the negative self-talk serving you? Absolutely nothing. So you aren’t perfect, no one is, but you know what, you are moving towards your own better self.

3. Change Your Behaviors

Make it realistic. If I am tired and I need a nap, maybe not forcing myself to push through, but hey, set a timer. Set five. Move your phone away so that you have to get up after the amount you set aside for your nap.
Have healthy coping mechanisms. So you didn’t do the right thing, breathe. Meditate. Go for a walk. Don’t just give up and do the “well I can always start tomorrow” thing.

4. Ask for Help

Trevor, my partner, is always rooting for me. And I just have to ask. I don’t need to be afraid to speak up. I need to reach out and make a plan with him. Something that we are both comfortable with. Why are we all so afraid to talk to people about how vulnerable we feel?
Connect with Others: Therapy, support groups, and not be afraid to walk on eggshells around everyone. If we can all just talk about how we are feeling, then maybe we won’t feel so bottled up all the time.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

Focus on your strengths and all that you accomplish. Celebrate you. Celebrate that all you have to be is better than yesterday. You do not have compare yourself to others.
Forgive yourself. Don’t dwell on the failures, forgive yourself and move forward. Don’t stay angry and be fine with complacency. It’s okay to make mistakes and it just leaves room for growth and for opportunity to do things better.

I like to always go back to the mantra I learned from Olivia Amato from Peloton. “This is tough, but you’re tougher.”

Maybe not everything is going your way. And maybe a lot of it is your own doing, so it IS self-sabotage. That’s cool. You are tougher.

Is all self-sabotage obvious?

So your best friend ends up being a narcissist…